The Alphabet Challenge

I accepted the A to Z challenge today. A halfhearted yet desperate attempt to introduce some direction into my otherwise floundering existence.

I’d rather spend ceaseless hours going through my Netflix queue watching identical mind-numbing movies day after day.

But, I think I owe it to them myself to at least try.

A letter to my 16 year old self

Dear Sixteen Year Old Me,

I know you are scrolling as fast as you can, anxiously reading to get a glimpse on what the future has in store for you. Well... You will have a beautiful life.

Wait a minute. How do I write this letter? Past tense? Present? I? You? So confusing. Don't judge me by this letter.  I am usually better than this :)

Anyway here goes...

Your family loves you, yes, your pesky little sister who you think lives just to annoy you included. The friends you make, you are lucky to have them in your life.

The boarding school that you are dreading right now... Don’t. You will come out at the end of 2 years with not just a high school degree and wonderful friends, but also an open mind which will probably be your biggest asset. An Engineering degree, a job. Easy Peasy!  

Let’s see what else… all those dance lessons did not pay off but I guess you figured that out already!. And no, you never do get over your fear of heights or the giant wheel. But that hasn’t stopped you from para sailing or zip lining or enjoying (read, tricked into getting in one and subsequently screaming to be let off the entire time) the giant wheel and other terrifying rides.

You discover that you love to travel. Remember how you wanted to see Disney World when you were little? Congratulations !! You made it to Disneyland, Florida !! Your work permit for the US of A was more like your golden ticket to follow your heart.

Speaking of the heart… yes, you fall in love with someone totally unexpected! I will not tell you who, mostly because you won’t believe me anyway :D No, he is not your first, or your second, or your third. What can I say, the path to finding a prince is paved with kissing a lot of frogs. It's one of life's rules. Look it up! Just know that you love him unconditionally.

And then darling, you will give it all up.
Career, love, happiness everything. 

I am typing this letter from the confines of a room which I like to call my prison. Hiding from friends and family, pretending this is what I have wanted all along... pretending to be a person when I am just a broken shell, inches away from a sliced open vein.

All this because I did not have the courage to stand up for my happiness.

Right now, I feel this is the end. And it probably is, the end of me.

But you my darling, have years ahead of you. 
So, when the time comes, do not be afraid to say No, to put yourself first. Don’t give up on your dreams because of some decision which seemed relevant in the past. Do not be afraid of change. Stand up for your happiness. You are worth it. Trust me.

I know I have been weak. I am sorry. I really am. Just promise me you will do better, much better.



When vivid hues blur the lines between the young and the old, the dark and the fair, the rich and the poor, the strangers and the acquaintances. 

But the thing I love most about Holi is the laughter. That delightfully insane cacophony of reckless abandon, that binds together the mélange of colors.

And yet another Holi passes by in formidable silence.

I was a person

The other day I spent some time reading old blog posts trying to remember the kind of person I used to be.

I realized, I was amazing ... no seriously! 

I was knowledgeable. At the very least I had good vocabulary. I knew fancy words which I casually threw around in my posts. Words like lackadaisical, gauche and what not… I ended up referring to the dictionary to see what I meant.
I was smart. I was funny. I was happy. I was witty. I was kind too. And I loved life.

I was a person.

Today I am benighted, desolate, dispirited and peevish, impassively going through the motions of life; pining for eternal rest.

Oh well, at least I still know a few almost-fancy words.

I'd be one cool grand mommy!

Following my heart has always landed me in so much trouble. But can you imagine the stories I will have for my future grandchildren? Awesome! 

Except I never want to be sixty someday. Or thirty.

Some things I am not a fan of

duck eggs
broken nails
pomegranate juice
Fifty Shades of Grey
dark chocolate
Robert Galbraith, the author
summer vegetables
Breaking Bad

Look at me, blogging three days in a row! And this one doesn't even talk of ‘you-know-what’. Of course, I have to say ‘you-know-what’, else this post will no longer be sans ‘you-know-what'.

I probably very much deserve that incredulous look you are giving me right now.